Lesson learnt

In order to curb and curtail rows* and risk of public humiliation or embarrassment I have devised the following formula

1. Do not repeat anything more than once because repetition will equate to nagging in Shrek's world.

2. If insistent on nagging persists Shrek will lose his marbles** = loud missives will be fired, colouful 'French words' will be employed and fireworks or explosive row emanate.

3. Public humiliation will ensue followed by silence on my part. The silence will serve as a fire extinguisher which will put out Shrek's venom and slithering tongue.

4. 'Each to his own conscience', or as Shrek puts it 'Chacun examine sa conscience !'

*row

³    [rou] Show IPA

noun

1.

a noisy dispute or quarrel; commotion.

2.

noise or clamor.

verb (used without object)

3.

to quarrel noisily.

verb (used with object)

4.

Chiefly British . to upbraid severely; scold.

** to lose one's marbles : lose one's wits/mind

Action plus reaction

My faute majeure = lack of anticipation

Shrek's faute majeure = his reaction when confronted with my lack of anticipation

The combination of the above equation is explosive to say the least.

I had FAILED to inform Shrek 15 minutes before the ludothèque's (toy library) closing time. I had failed to get in contact with him in due time to allow him time to get to our agreed pick-up point. I had failed to prevoir and foresee that I needed change on me in case. I had also FAILED in telephoning Shrek at the most inappropriate time i.e. when he was backing out of our garage and his mobile was in his trousers pocket. In short I failed and fell short today. So the only thing left for me to do was to apologise which I did profusely but this is crucial as Shrek continued to berate, grate and faire la gueule as he only he can. I put up with all of that for about 15 minutes before I turned the table on Shrek and we had a screaming contest to see who would come out on top.

Lesson for me : anticipate, anticipate and anticipate some more, it has been drilled and droned into my brain !

Lesson for Shrek is of no less importance : DO not unnerve people by grating and nagging until they break.

Hopefully this painful episode served as a good lesson of what to avoid for Shrek and I.

Shrek realised he went overboard and apologised immediately.I accepted his apology and hope that we can avoid and bypass similar cases being repeated.

Mea culpa, mea culpa...

Shrek's fardeau

Shrek has one or to be more exact two household tasks that he does on a regular and semi-regular/infrequent basis : that of inputting the washing machine with dirty clothes and hanging washed clothes on the line and dumping them on the floor to be folded/put away by ôsin(Vietnamese for servant) and secondly on a monthly, sometime two-monthly basis iron his own work clothes consisting of his pharmacie blouses, a couple of pairs of trousers/slacks and up to ten shirts or more when the mood strikes him which as of late has not struck much.

He is supposed to do these two tasks diligently without resorting to snide remarks and making comments such as :

This sucks !

There are endless mountains of laundry to be done, I am fed up of doing this, maybe we should split the task up as in you (i.e. moi Princesse Fiona) do your own laundry and ironing of your clothes (which I hardly ever let him do unless he insists and only in small albeit negligible quantity like one or two shirts) and I will take care of mine.

The nerve !!!!!!!!!!!!

It is especially infuriating and frustrating to hear him drone on and on about how he has such an insurmountable task. I hope he is having a stab at humour so I humour him but if he was being serious I am sure I can split the tasks up and other things too, so there !

He can be énervent comme ça ... need I go on ?

Lil Miss N's 6th birthday !

I survived eventhough Murphy's Law dictated that when under stress almost everything that can go wrong will and so it is that I was under intense stress today in getting ready for and organising Lil Miss N's 6th birthday. I had thought that I had it all under control but alas I was so far from the truth.
The day began with my massive spring cleaning sweep. I was determined to get the house sparking and spotless (or as spotless as I can possibly get it given the circumstances in this case four pairs of grubby hands/paws and four like minded rambunctious and mischievious underlings). I forged ahead and ploughed/plowed/soldiered my way through and as Murphy's Law has it all four were geared to get in my way and to slow me down at every turn.

I finally completed the sprucing up of the whole apartment but in the process lost my patience and nerve.

Next came the obligatory cake making and baking. Petit Suisse, Lil Miss N and Baby Ben surrounded me and made it almost impossible for me to access the workbench as they were so eager, enthusiastic little helpers who in their eagerness to help crowded me and were haphazardly putting and mixing ingredients much to my dismay but the cake was made and it turned out delicious if I do say so myself.

The decorations were left minimalist because I had run out of time so it did not look all that festive but that was forgiveable.

Games of Twister, Monza and 'Burg Ritter' were played intermittently with 'party bombs' to save the day and then it was 'gâteau d'anniversaire time and candle blowing time'. I had some leftover cake batter so decided to make a second cake albeit thinner and less consequential. Shrek having blocked ears took out the thin round cake instead of the heart-shaped one I had intended. That in the end did not matter too much as the candles were blown, cake was cut and shared amongst Lil Miss N's friends and she opened her presents : Hello Kitty pencil case with accessories, a kit to create her own bnnn me pocket money.

Her friends all left with a bonbonière each complete with little toys and surprises. A good time was had by all eventhough I felt that I could have been much more organised and the party games should have deroulés more smoothly had I not been collée dessus by a little superglue albeit the little party stopper.
Lil Miss N was stoked and visibly happy and all the hard work paid off.

Shrek then attended a work Christmas function. He drank a little too much and the hard liqueurs made their appearance when he returned.

He came home and assured me that he was fine but as Murphy's Law would have it I was prepared...good thing I was prepared given last year's episode.

Anyway Shrek's favourite expression of all time is 'goulot d'étranglement' which means bottleneck or (throttle) and true to form he puked into our household's goulot d'étranglement aka the bathroom sink which was already slightly blocked for quite some time rendering it unfit for use and hopelessly out of order until it has been unblocked by the plumber.


He had a massive hangover is an understatement... I need not get into the gory and peu appetisant details of this episodic vomissement.

He did redeem himself by vaccuuming and taking out the garbage : tasks which he has not performed/executed for a considerable period of time.

My love affair with Murphy's Laws are still going strong !

Shrek struck again !

The lure of a dirt cheap breakfast of 1 Swiss Frank for a hearty feed consisting of one croissant, 1 roll, 1 portion of jam, 1 portion of butter, 1 serving of cheese and one pot of yoghurt topped off with an all you can drink: refillable cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate proved too irresistible to some even. Henceforth it was no surprise that this morning sans douche or preparation we rushed off at Shrek's insistence and urging to IKEA for our fill of the grubby brekkies .

There were all the usual suspects and us being some of them. I noticed all the regulars...and some new faces. I made a comment about the fact that these people like us were all gourmand and all profiting from the generosity of Ikea which was just masked as an appel of a cheap meal. Shrek had not begun to eat and obviously had not drank his morning coffee yet because following my annoying remarks (because I can be annoying like that) he chucked a spastic* and went off... espousing to anyone within surrounding earshot that 'Yes indeed people who come to Ikea on a Saturday morning for the cheap brekkie are all gluttons, stingy and etc and etc and they are cheap asses but that was not his concern.' His voice grew louder and irritation intensely heightening his pitch. It was clear to all that he was not a happy chappy** and that I had dared to raise his ire.

Shrek is punctuated with what I call idiosyncratic and dictatorial tendencies.
Shrek does not digest stress or give off steam at work and as a result I sometime suffer as a consequence of his outbursts which are totally uncalled for... He does have this tendency to let out steam after my 'annoying remarks or habits' and claiming that 'my behaviour' induces him to break out the 'ogre temper' and 'hell hath no fury like that of an ogre's wrath' !!!!!!!

He did apologise afterwards after I made it clear that I wasn't going to be a doormat and continue taking that shit anymore !


Built up frustrations and pent up anger needs to escape through some sort of therapeutic sessions or perhaps Shrek should start a blog of his own because the way I see it my blog was borne out of my frustrations as a stay at home mum and now it's an outlet and vent for me which is a healthy way of getting my stress level under control...




* Aussie slang for going ballistic
** slang for a cheerful and content fellow

Mise au point

I bought Shrek a cadeau : a Garmin GPS navigation system approximately three months ago. I bought it primarily for him but it was also en guise un cadeau for me : La Paix.

Let me clarify Shrek goes ballistic in the car when I (hopeless as a map reader and co-pilot that I am) get us lost without fail. I wanted to eradicate my pain and eliminate this unwanted recurrence by gifting him with the GPS and what I thought would be La Paix for me...Alas Shrek has some major idiosyncrasies that I do not and cannot even begin to fathom and he has refused to put the GPS into use. It is as we speak sitting prettily in its box and emballage original unable to function the way it was destined for. Shrek prefers me to learn how to read a map properly and would gladly gift me with the poisonous gift of 'A crashcourse in map reading and comprehension for dummies'.

He did indeed go spastic when I got us lost on our way to the water theme park.

I have made it clear that I do not condone inadmissive behaviour from him and thus have declared a sanction. Shrek needs to learn quickly that his bullying is not working !

There I said my piece and now I leave it up to the borné master to start some work on himself.

Borné personalisé is Shrek's first name.

My therapeutic session

I just wanted to vent and let it be known once and for all so that no ambiguity or misinterpretations can be attributed to my actions or words.

I am mighty miffed, upset and most of all énervée each and every time Shrek does kitchen and or cooking duties. It happens rather rarely because he works to bring home the bacon and I do not in the least expect him to do everything around the house. Granted I DO expect some help. Everytime he cooks be it simple or complicated dishes that require a lot of preparations he complains and throws a hissy about the messy state of the kitchen and how it is total chaos there. I do not want to go into too much details but let there be no mistake I do not have the luxury of time that can be spent meticulously making the kitchen spotless as soon as I am done with making a meal. He makes it out like I am 'always' leaving behind what can easily be done in a matter of minutes: cooking and preparing meals, cleaning up and drying crockery, pots and pans... I am pissed off that every single freaken time it is the same damn story. MERDE
Sorry but my frustration has gotten the better of me. Shrek needs to realise that his good deed is usually ruined and spoilt by his engueulade.


To add salt to injury he has the audacity to insinuate that I leave behind bordel in the office/bureau. I am usually the one clearing the desk and I do leave papers or things to do or urgent stuff without filing immediately but what irks me to no end is the fact he implies that I am the only one messing up the desk when it is he who leaves a trail of stuff and junk...etc in the bureau as well.


Another annoying habit of his that sends me into a spin is the fact he jumps to 'his own twisted conclusions all too soon'. Take the example from his morning, he had the intention of doing some handywork in the garage. I simply asked 'Is it going to get messy ?' in other words 'Est-ce que c'est salissant?' Simply put if his clothes will be dirty, nowhere in there did I make any mention of 'Alors il faut que tu faire pas ce genre de travail si ça sera salissant.' I did not tell him not to go ahead and do the handywork but he interpreted it as such. I do not get it.. It irks me and frankly I do not know where he gets such pathetic connotations from. He then lectured me which I detest because I feel it is uncalled for and totally unnecessary. He went on and on about how he needed to get the work done no matter how gritty it is so that he can return his brother's tools or device...I am clueless when it comes to handywork or DIY... Anyway I need to remind him but he simply won't have any of it that he jumps too hastily to conclusions that I never intended...or even conjured up. I hate when being accused of thinking something that I did not command or beseech.

Shrek needs to realise that what he does is not acceptable and that as much as he attempt to help out it does not warrant his mouthing off about the so called messy state of things or unfairly accusing me of n'importe quoi. Shrek needs to reassess his behaviour and judgment and prejudices and predilections, I am tired of being at the receiving end of such abominable comportement.

END OF RANT

Tactless

Shrek has a tendency to repeat and repeat and overrepeat things--- very reminiscent of leeches.


I put a bit of ointment on Ben's nose. She coincidentally cried (maybe she wanted to be held, she was hungry and irritable or destressing..or whatever the reason could have been was of no concern to Shrek) as he was convinced she only cried because the ointment was burning her. News to you, I have used the ointment once before and she did not react to it at all. I used it on my own accord and unbeknownst to you and without any persuasion/coercing from whomever so do not make any assumptions and jump to conclusions without concrete proof. Give others the benefit of doubt unless facts prove otherwise.

I will not use it because even a small risk is still a risk but Shrek has shown himself to be unable to keep his mouth in reign. He seems to be oblivious and another apology will not be accepted as he seems to continue on this path which is getting rather old.
He should really take his own advice and learn to be more diplomatic rather than tell other people to mind what comes out of their mouths. Tact is a lesson Shrek has not learnt.

Shrek needs to lighten up

Shrek has an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when it comes to the kitchen being clutter free and spotless. I think that if a kitchen is used for cooking then it will no doubt at some point have messes, spices, foodstuffs and crockery, cutlery or pots and pans lying around...I mean if it is not being used then surely it will be shining ones reflection in its hallowed surfaces. One use the kitchen to cook and prepare meals not to leave it looking like a barren and lifeless waste of space beckoning respectful worship worthy of deity or icons and espousing the mantra 'Cleanliness is godliness'. I eschew this particular mania. Shrek needs to be reminded all the damn time that if people who dine out all the time and who do not use their kitchens for its sole purpose then they will surely have a kitchen he approves of. Alas if he continues I tell him the painful truth that I will post an advert in 'Meetic' or some other silly 'sites des rencontres like facebook et al' looking for 'une femme, mosh, TOC (French acronym for OCD), qui coud et qui va s'engager à engueler au dessus d'un ogre et qui ressembles à la sœur de Shrek'. This stops him dead in his tracks.


Learn to live with some messes and disorder because the crumbs and litter and rubbish are not going to pick themselves up and throw themselves into bins. I have learned to live and cook with onions and deal with the layers and tears. Shrek it is time you work on yourself...Living with kids mean that there are going to be some disagreements and setbacks and sacrifices...

BTW Shrek has a penchant for and tendency to leave behind a trail of yoghurt pots and his personal effects...without picking up after himself. I can spell h-y-p-o-c-r-i-t-i-c-a-l for you if you'd like Shrek.

Shrek has thrown out my roughly scribbled recipes which I painstakingly modified and had mastered...but had not filed away. I will have to search for the recipes and then make the modifications again...Travail des singes...which Shrek hates with a vengeance.


I think I have vented enough vehemence for the day. I feel justifiably much better now...until the next episode of Shrek's outburst.

Differences of opinion

When Shrek and I first got together there were many incompatibilities which oddly enough centred around food, food preparations and the way leftovers are conserved etc..

The unforgettable episode involved an explosion over how vegetables should be cut shortly after we started to live together. This has been burned into my mind and I will never quite get over how grave it seemed at the time. He was convinced that the only way to cut vegetables was how his mother had taught him. I refused to cut it the way his exigency commanded. He demanded that I acquiesce to his authoritarian tyrannical way and so a feud soon followed. Suffice to say that since that memorable (for all the wrong reasons) clash we have come to a compromise about how veggies should be cut. I will cut it the way I see fit whenever I cook. He can cut it however he wants but he will not impose his will onto me without resistance.

Other non less spectacular affairs centred around how unhygienic it was for me to reuse over and over the oil that has been deep-fried and stored for a few weeks. This led to some short-cut chemistry lessons: how bacteria develops even when it is invisible and how no temperature high enough will succeed in disintegrating these persistent toxins. It deeply enriched and enlightened me. Needless to say I was less than thrilled and delighted with how he delivered his lessons and the condescending tone and ensuing belittlement and denigration. He maintained that eventhough I had passed college level chemistry and physics that I was in need of refreshment courses. I felt quite insulted and bullied.

Anyway I have resolved to not accept such behaviour from Shrek. I had to quickly correct him and remind him that due respect had to be given and that I like himself can commit errors and mistakes and we can learn from them but that noone is dispensed to changing overnight their lifelong habits and that some of his habits befuddle and annoy me to no end.

Food for thought and reflection. I hope that we have thoroughly rectified and can slowly move forward by ironing out incompatibilities. Life is a series of compromises. This general rule of thumb applies to all aspects of life: work, family and even pleasure.

A disclaimer: I wanted to record this once and for all. I do not hold grudges for an eternity. I have almost all but forgotten about these events.

Shrek's annoying habit

One of the most annoying things Shrek dreads is when somebody dare to put back non-functional (which should have been discarded) office equipment such as ballpoint pens, liquid paper aka Tipp-Ex and so on and so forth into the desk. He then will (because Murphy's Laws dictates) find the futile office supplies when he is in the need of some liquid paper without the requisite brush for instance. What good is a liquid paper bottle when there is no brush? None whatsoever so whoever dared to put it back hoping to recuperate that darn thing will be lectured for at least 20 minutes or so about the futileness of such an act. Their senses will be questioned...They will be forced to squirm as The All-powerful and knowing Shrek points out their deficiency and unreasonableness and question their sense of judgment..

Who knew that by not spending 2 minutes to throw out the said offensive piece of rubbish one will have to endure 20 minutes of hard core lecture from a no-mercy punisher from hell?

One have got to learn one's lessons well.

Do not incite the wrath of Shrek.

Oyster Opener

It is no secret that I love seafood and in particular lobster, scallops, oysters and abalones. Shrek has been spoiling me by opening dozens upon dozens of oysters (at very affordable prices) and only eating nominally leaving me and Petite Suissesse to enjoy the fruits of his labour.