List of dos and don'ts

I have summarised for easy access the major issues from which emanate beaucoup de nos disputes.

1. stinginess : mine in particular, I have to stop thinking petit...this one is difficult but I can take re-assurance in one thing since I am une radine I fit into Swiss society like a bee in a hive because generosity is not the Swiss' forte.

2. Bouts de ficelles : see 1. (this is a recurrent theme)

3. Timeliness : Shrek is very strict when it comes to being on time, it is a principle he has ingrained within. I agree with him when it comes to work and professional obligations but as for personal RDVs etc... I beg to differ : there needs to be some flexibility. I attempt to be on time for cours, école etc but personal RDV between friends and family gatherings are not as inflexible.

4. Hoarding : mine again and Shrek's desire to throw out unneccesary stuff. Enough said, I am a hoarder and Shrek is not, he is the quintessential minimalist here and he would like order, cleanliness and an unencumbered apartment. Unfortunately I cannot and will not be able to meet/attain his high standard. We obviously will have tiffs* over this issue.

5. Preparing for the worst : Shrek's tendency to overthinking and readiness to tackle the worst case scenario usually blows up and he takes all things out of proportion because he gets lost in the anticipation before the actual realisation of an event. Take for instance the most recent example : I had an appointment at the hairdresser's for an eyelash extension at 12h30 on December 10th. Shrek being prévoyant had dreamed up the scenario that involved panic because there were manifestations expected for Escalade thereby freezing the public transport system resulting in heavy delays and ruining our day. There would be la foule partout...bref Armageddeon was nigh. He was stressed because we had been invited to un petit goûter de Noël the same day at 15h and he was mightily and highly worried that we would be stuck in a delibitating public transport system rendering us late for the meeting time fixé à 15h (see point 3. re lateness and Shrek's abhorance). We made it to the RDV chez coiffure sans problèmes or delays. There was no such pandemonium and the eyelash extension was done in record time so we made it back in plenty of time. We were even early so we had to hang out for half an hour or else we risk arriving too early for the afternoon tea which would be unbecoming because being on time involves being neither too early or too late, but on time : harder than it sounds. Shrek's eager anticipation and preparation or readiness for the worst case scenario is sometime uncalled for. He tends to lecture me re : why I had to make an appointment on a weekend in December, the busiest part of the year etc etc .... why I failed to see such apparent declic and so on and so forth. I am not very prévoyant and tend to be spontaneous : un vilain défaut but if I plan my life to the minutiae where is the joy in that ? Life can give us bad and good surprises, it can exceed our expectations or leave us dissappointed and desasperated but life most of all should not be une fleuve de predictability.

Anyway I have a lot to learn and with the years of experience adding up should be able to evite and avoid incensing** Shrek.

* tiff

   [tif] Show IPA

noun

1.

a slight or petty quarrel.

2.

a slight fit of annoyance, bad mood, or the like.

** in·cense

²    [in-sens] Show IPA

verb (used with object), -censed, -cens·ing.

to inflame with wrath; make angry; enrage.

Lesson learnt

In order to curb and curtail rows* and risk of public humiliation or embarrassment I have devised the following formula

1. Do not repeat anything more than once because repetition will equate to nagging in Shrek's world.

2. If insistent on nagging persists Shrek will lose his marbles** = loud missives will be fired, colouful 'French words' will be employed and fireworks or explosive row emanate.

3. Public humiliation will ensue followed by silence on my part. The silence will serve as a fire extinguisher which will put out Shrek's venom and slithering tongue.

4. 'Each to his own conscience', or as Shrek puts it 'Chacun examine sa conscience !'

*row

³    [rou] Show IPA

noun

1.

a noisy dispute or quarrel; commotion.

2.

noise or clamor.

verb (used without object)

3.

to quarrel noisily.

verb (used with object)

4.

Chiefly British . to upbraid severely; scold.

** to lose one's marbles : lose one's wits/mind

Faux et faux: two wrongs do not make a right

Up until this point in time if my mind had not already been resolutely made up re the possibility of having more kids I reached the summit of no return and Shrek in part helped make up my resolve for me re not bearing any more kids.

Since Shrek brought up the subject of certain colleagues attempting to fall pregnant it eventually led to me professing about childbirth and how some women are presumptious when it comes to the method of delivery : i.e. some are bold enough to proclaim that Cesarian is more painful and recovery time takes longer etc...in short they sing the praises of a Cesarian (which most of them have electively) and dare to attack others who have given birth naturally par voie basse. I cannot claim to know how a Cesarian feels or anything associated with recovery and down time because I had four accouchements par voie basse. I am going to call out the women who say that Cesarian is harder etc...BULLSHIT ! People who have always had Cesarian births cannot claim to know what I went through but to pretend that it was less painful compared to a Cesarian is BULLSHIT. I know I am incensed by these idiotic women. If it is so fucken hard to have a Cesarian then do not choose or elect it except if it arises out of medical necessity. If you elected to have a Cesarian by choice then do not come crying afterwards that you wished you had given birth naturally. You have a scar well women who gave birth par voie basse have wear and tear on their vaginas too you presumptious fakes !

Reminder that pregnancy, childbirth are personal affairs and even the thought of sharing it with my life partner has to be approached with caution.

Shrek then had the audacity to crier à haute voix that 'You are the first woman in all of humanity's history to have given birth.' as if to emphasise the fact that I should not rassasier the same thing over and over. I feel I have the right to at least be heard. I did not scream or hurler when I gave birth but it did hurt and I am now not about to hide the fact that childbirth brought on suffering and incomparable pain but I did not let on at the time. Shrek said that he cannot change the past and that he could not right the wrongs he did etc...I am not asking for anything to be changed or the past to be rewritten because it simply cannot be done, all I ask for is to be humoured and validation and to be valorised at least but most of all to be heard. It is rather therapeutic to have a sympathetic listener and not one who nods mindlessly or who protests the way Shrek does.

Anyway I hope I have made myself clear on this front. I am certainly not the first nor last to have birthed babies. I gave birth four times under different conditions and each time was unique in its own way. I want my kids to know that childbirth is natural but it definitely is not a walk in the park and that it is a highly personal experience which can have resemblances and similarities but for someone to claim what I went through was easier and less pained than their own experience I highly doubt that. Leave me alone with my heightened senses.

Shrek suggested that we should not talk or discuss sensitive subjects etc. that is not my point. I need to vent and discuss and evacuate stress via discussion. He does also... he just needs to be more sensible and less judgemental and to listen more proactively, hear that Shrek ?

Action plus reaction

My faute majeure = lack of anticipation

Shrek's faute majeure = his reaction when confronted with my lack of anticipation

The combination of the above equation is explosive to say the least.

I had FAILED to inform Shrek 15 minutes before the ludothèque's (toy library) closing time. I had failed to get in contact with him in due time to allow him time to get to our agreed pick-up point. I had failed to prevoir and foresee that I needed change on me in case. I had also FAILED in telephoning Shrek at the most inappropriate time i.e. when he was backing out of our garage and his mobile was in his trousers pocket. In short I failed and fell short today. So the only thing left for me to do was to apologise which I did profusely but this is crucial as Shrek continued to berate, grate and faire la gueule as he only he can. I put up with all of that for about 15 minutes before I turned the table on Shrek and we had a screaming contest to see who would come out on top.

Lesson for me : anticipate, anticipate and anticipate some more, it has been drilled and droned into my brain !

Lesson for Shrek is of no less importance : DO not unnerve people by grating and nagging until they break.

Hopefully this painful episode served as a good lesson of what to avoid for Shrek and I.

Shrek realised he went overboard and apologised immediately.I accepted his apology and hope that we can avoid and bypass similar cases being repeated.

Mea culpa, mea culpa...

Shrek's fardeau

Shrek has one or to be more exact two household tasks that he does on a regular and semi-regular/infrequent basis : that of inputting the washing machine with dirty clothes and hanging washed clothes on the line and dumping them on the floor to be folded/put away by ôsin(Vietnamese for servant) and secondly on a monthly, sometime two-monthly basis iron his own work clothes consisting of his pharmacie blouses, a couple of pairs of trousers/slacks and up to ten shirts or more when the mood strikes him which as of late has not struck much.

He is supposed to do these two tasks diligently without resorting to snide remarks and making comments such as :

This sucks !

There are endless mountains of laundry to be done, I am fed up of doing this, maybe we should split the task up as in you (i.e. moi Princesse Fiona) do your own laundry and ironing of your clothes (which I hardly ever let him do unless he insists and only in small albeit negligible quantity like one or two shirts) and I will take care of mine.

The nerve !!!!!!!!!!!!

It is especially infuriating and frustrating to hear him drone on and on about how he has such an insurmountable task. I hope he is having a stab at humour so I humour him but if he was being serious I am sure I can split the tasks up and other things too, so there !

He can be énervent comme ça ... need I go on ?

Borné

Shrek's attempt at cooking pancakes has turned out just as I had predicted. He was given 'une épreuve de la dernière chance', c-a-d c'etait sa mission de prouver qu'il est capable de faire des pancakes à son façon. He copied and adjusted my recipe (which was foolproof til Shrek came along), he tweaked it and in the process ruined it.

He had sneakily set out his masterplan of elongating our wait hence heightening our hunger pangs thereby reducing our tastebuds' discerning abilities : who can truly judge how delicious something really is when you've just come out of an imposed hunger strike ? Unfortunately for Shrek his strategy did not succeed and hence he was left to languish in his sorrowing defeat.

His secret weapon (as he was persuaded that it would make all the difference in the world) was 'yeast' (levure de boulangère/naturale). He added a packed of this to two cups of white flour, two cups of milk, two eggs, several teaspoons of baking powder (he ommitted to measure the amount), pinch of salt, approximately one tablespoon of sugar and his secret weapon and let it rise for almost two hours. The final result speaks volumes for itself. I shall definitely not follow his recipe. The verdict from discerning and finicky judges such as Petit Suisse, Lil Miss N and Baby Ben was that it was edible but less than desirable on a scale of deliciousness or yummy.

His pancakes were doughy, bland and heavy not at all light, fluffy and airy like the pancakes one would expect a tried and tested recipe to produce. I do have to credit him for successfully managing to create holes (les trous) or crater faced pikelet-like in appearance oddly-shaped thingymagic. His pancakes as he claims are unique and resemble nothing I have ever seen. I have to congratulate him on originality but taste-wise it was universally PANNED !

Victoire declaré à celle qui merite le plus : tada MOI

Take that Shrekkie

Princess Fiona aka moi 1 Shrek 0

It was a knockout defeat !!!!!!!

KAPOW

I have to stress the importance of this victory because time and again I have proved Shrek wrong and yet he insists in his blinded borné ways : he is eccentric which can be a loveable trait only if he knows when to stop holding onto the shredded and frayed fragments of his methods and persuasions. He is a borné creature by nature and he still persists even if he knows deep down that it will lead him astray because he is stubborn and pig-headed like that, isn't that right Shrek ?

Crêpe-tastic

Shrek definitely needs to consult the wonderful world of food blogging. He is in desperate need of reinvention as a cook.

I have requested that he dabbles in referencing some recipes from food blogs so as to improve his culinary skills.

His one dish that he mastered was instant noodles and crêpes and now I am beginning to have real doubt in his ability to successfully churn out delicious and scrumptious crêpes as his latest batch was a miss. He has been having more misses than hits lately. Time to hit the books or web pages eh Shrekkie.

Shrekkie wonder

Shrek's idea of a nutritious meal consists of a single popsicle for breakfast which is what Baby Taz has been getting the past few mornings.


Shrek has a very intimate notion of nutrition and so it goes without saying that he feeds the children very high energy food for breakfast.

If it was left up to Shrek the children will be lucky to have two decent meals a week. Real deal meals are the fillers and spoilers for awesome chocolate, ice cream, chips and snackables and junk. I am partly to blame because I do buy the stuff but I feed them proper food first and then they get the occasional treats and sweets as a reward for dessert or just to break up the routine a little.

I crave fresh fruits and Asian staples...
Maybe it is time for a change of scenery.

First in first out

Thanks to Shrek's ingenious ' whatever is on top of the pile' principle we here at the 'Effacé in Switzerland' always end up wearing the same clothes over and over and over again...
Shrek does not believe in 'first in first out' basis for clothes. He refuses to dig into the pile to wash what is at the bottom of the pile first hence renew the load. He simply grabs everything lying on top and shoves it into the machine. Luckily Shrek has learnt the lesson of sorting and separating 'black and colours' from 'whites' at least.
In time Shrek will get the renewal process.

My therapeutic session

I just wanted to vent and let it be known once and for all so that no ambiguity or misinterpretations can be attributed to my actions or words.

I am mighty miffed, upset and most of all énervée each and every time Shrek does kitchen and or cooking duties. It happens rather rarely because he works to bring home the bacon and I do not in the least expect him to do everything around the house. Granted I DO expect some help. Everytime he cooks be it simple or complicated dishes that require a lot of preparations he complains and throws a hissy about the messy state of the kitchen and how it is total chaos there. I do not want to go into too much details but let there be no mistake I do not have the luxury of time that can be spent meticulously making the kitchen spotless as soon as I am done with making a meal. He makes it out like I am 'always' leaving behind what can easily be done in a matter of minutes: cooking and preparing meals, cleaning up and drying crockery, pots and pans... I am pissed off that every single freaken time it is the same damn story. MERDE
Sorry but my frustration has gotten the better of me. Shrek needs to realise that his good deed is usually ruined and spoilt by his engueulade.


To add salt to injury he has the audacity to insinuate that I leave behind bordel in the office/bureau. I am usually the one clearing the desk and I do leave papers or things to do or urgent stuff without filing immediately but what irks me to no end is the fact he implies that I am the only one messing up the desk when it is he who leaves a trail of stuff and junk...etc in the bureau as well.


Another annoying habit of his that sends me into a spin is the fact he jumps to 'his own twisted conclusions all too soon'. Take the example from his morning, he had the intention of doing some handywork in the garage. I simply asked 'Is it going to get messy ?' in other words 'Est-ce que c'est salissant?' Simply put if his clothes will be dirty, nowhere in there did I make any mention of 'Alors il faut que tu faire pas ce genre de travail si ça sera salissant.' I did not tell him not to go ahead and do the handywork but he interpreted it as such. I do not get it.. It irks me and frankly I do not know where he gets such pathetic connotations from. He then lectured me which I detest because I feel it is uncalled for and totally unnecessary. He went on and on about how he needed to get the work done no matter how gritty it is so that he can return his brother's tools or device...I am clueless when it comes to handywork or DIY... Anyway I need to remind him but he simply won't have any of it that he jumps too hastily to conclusions that I never intended...or even conjured up. I hate when being accused of thinking something that I did not command or beseech.

Shrek needs to realise that what he does is not acceptable and that as much as he attempt to help out it does not warrant his mouthing off about the so called messy state of things or unfairly accusing me of n'importe quoi. Shrek needs to reassess his behaviour and judgment and prejudices and predilections, I am tired of being at the receiving end of such abominable comportement.

END OF RANT

Sulk

Petit Suisse can be a bit of sulk and prone to bouts of melancholy over mega trivial things. He was really looking forward to having what he believed was going to be a buzz cut so that he could gel his hair and look cool or 'genial'. Alas Shrek shattered this dream by giving him a 12mm close shave. A close shave is one that leaves a regular length of hair all over, it's essentially a bald head that has been mown to a preset hair length no longer than 12mm... but can be as short as 4mm.

Petit sulked and cried his eyes out for a good half hour. He is convinced that mummy does a better job at cutting his hair because at least after he still has hair left. Shrek does go overboard and overkill with the hairclipper aka tondeuse.

Capri stew

Bravo Shrek for always balancing your faux pas with wonderful/thoughtful/good/kind deeds. The capri stew Shrek made 3 days ago tasted really great as left over today because like all stews that have been sitting for a while, the flavours stemming from herbs and spices have had time to seep into the meat leaving it flavourful and aromatic.

Another little victory and you can add capri stew to your repertoire. Although just the day before Shrek had made a weird concoction of veggies...broccoli and carrots were way too crunchy and tasted almost raw, zucchini was overcooked and mushy, in short not the greatest dish you have cooked or far from it.

Just to even things up and keep it all balanced in an equilibrium. While I am at it, I have to declare Shrek the greatest oyster opening champion/ Roi des huitres. Once he even opened his share and let me eat every single one (all 12 of them) all by myself, it shows that he has great self-control, does not fancy oysters as much as me, a bit of both and that he really loves me to be able to watch me thoroughly savouring every last bite without taking a single sip/taste of the fruit of his labour. Opening oysters is a pain in the ass and I am glad that Shrek is able to spoil me once in a while.

Love is when you can open oysters and let your partner eat without requesting a taste.

Swoon...

Yoghurt overload

We are frankly fed up with having so much yoghurt...it leaves us sated and blasé because 'absence really does make the heart grow fonder'...so how can we miss it if it hasn't left us for the past two weeks?

Greedy gluttonous has led Shrek's judgment astray when he decided to overgorge our family with superfluous/surplus purchase of Perle de Lait et al. Too much of a good thing can be an anomaly.

I still love you for trying to fill our stomachs Shrek !

Shrek needs to lighten up

Shrek has an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when it comes to the kitchen being clutter free and spotless. I think that if a kitchen is used for cooking then it will no doubt at some point have messes, spices, foodstuffs and crockery, cutlery or pots and pans lying around...I mean if it is not being used then surely it will be shining ones reflection in its hallowed surfaces. One use the kitchen to cook and prepare meals not to leave it looking like a barren and lifeless waste of space beckoning respectful worship worthy of deity or icons and espousing the mantra 'Cleanliness is godliness'. I eschew this particular mania. Shrek needs to be reminded all the damn time that if people who dine out all the time and who do not use their kitchens for its sole purpose then they will surely have a kitchen he approves of. Alas if he continues I tell him the painful truth that I will post an advert in 'Meetic' or some other silly 'sites des rencontres like facebook et al' looking for 'une femme, mosh, TOC (French acronym for OCD), qui coud et qui va s'engager à engueler au dessus d'un ogre et qui ressembles à la sœur de Shrek'. This stops him dead in his tracks.


Learn to live with some messes and disorder because the crumbs and litter and rubbish are not going to pick themselves up and throw themselves into bins. I have learned to live and cook with onions and deal with the layers and tears. Shrek it is time you work on yourself...Living with kids mean that there are going to be some disagreements and setbacks and sacrifices...

BTW Shrek has a penchant for and tendency to leave behind a trail of yoghurt pots and his personal effects...without picking up after himself. I can spell h-y-p-o-c-r-i-t-i-c-a-l for you if you'd like Shrek.

Shrek has thrown out my roughly scribbled recipes which I painstakingly modified and had mastered...but had not filed away. I will have to search for the recipes and then make the modifications again...Travail des singes...which Shrek hates with a vengeance.


I think I have vented enough vehemence for the day. I feel justifiably much better now...until the next episode of Shrek's outburst.

Nein-zager (sic)

Nein-zager is German for nay-sayer. Shrek being the epitomic Swiss that he is reserves a knee-jerk action of saying no to everything and anything before first testing the viability of projects, usefulness of products, etc...

He is always reticent about trying new things so when I first proposed/recommended that he use the Oral-B Sonic Vitality electric toothbrush his knee-jerk reaction was to say 'Nah, not interested.' I insisted and bought the said device anyway. Once he tried and found that it was not so bad after all, he has become addicted to brushing.

It goes to show that first impressions can be misleading especially in Shrek's case. Right Shrekkie ?

Differences of opinion

When Shrek and I first got together there were many incompatibilities which oddly enough centred around food, food preparations and the way leftovers are conserved etc..

The unforgettable episode involved an explosion over how vegetables should be cut shortly after we started to live together. This has been burned into my mind and I will never quite get over how grave it seemed at the time. He was convinced that the only way to cut vegetables was how his mother had taught him. I refused to cut it the way his exigency commanded. He demanded that I acquiesce to his authoritarian tyrannical way and so a feud soon followed. Suffice to say that since that memorable (for all the wrong reasons) clash we have come to a compromise about how veggies should be cut. I will cut it the way I see fit whenever I cook. He can cut it however he wants but he will not impose his will onto me without resistance.

Other non less spectacular affairs centred around how unhygienic it was for me to reuse over and over the oil that has been deep-fried and stored for a few weeks. This led to some short-cut chemistry lessons: how bacteria develops even when it is invisible and how no temperature high enough will succeed in disintegrating these persistent toxins. It deeply enriched and enlightened me. Needless to say I was less than thrilled and delighted with how he delivered his lessons and the condescending tone and ensuing belittlement and denigration. He maintained that eventhough I had passed college level chemistry and physics that I was in need of refreshment courses. I felt quite insulted and bullied.

Anyway I have resolved to not accept such behaviour from Shrek. I had to quickly correct him and remind him that due respect had to be given and that I like himself can commit errors and mistakes and we can learn from them but that noone is dispensed to changing overnight their lifelong habits and that some of his habits befuddle and annoy me to no end.

Food for thought and reflection. I hope that we have thoroughly rectified and can slowly move forward by ironing out incompatibilities. Life is a series of compromises. This general rule of thumb applies to all aspects of life: work, family and even pleasure.

A disclaimer: I wanted to record this once and for all. I do not hold grudges for an eternity. I have almost all but forgotten about these events.

Shrek's magnifique creation

I have to document one of Shrek's many endeavours in the kitchen. This happened a while ago but I do not recall having posted the 'picture is worth a thousand words'. His efforts were not in vain for I think the meal was forgettable. There is always Better luck next time Shrek. I remember having previously mentioning casually Shrek's tendencies to overdo/overkill the theory of throwing together all the ingredients and hoping for the best. Somehow Shrek needs a refreshment course in the culinary art of preparing simple yet delicious meals.

I forgot to add that esthetically speaking it is rather colourful and appealing. Taste wise I can vouch for its originality and authenticity but tastiness, my memory betrays me...

Although I must admit that I do thoroughly enjoy his 'stir-frieds' and his 'mi xao don' which as luck would have it sometime can have too thick or too little sauce depending on chef Shrek's mood... Need I say more.

Where life begins

I do not know where the fascination stemmed from but Petit Suisse asked Shrek a very nasty question on the way to school two mornings ago. It seemed that it went something like

'You know how you put seeds into mummy to make her fall pregnant. How exactly does that happen?'

Shrek admittedly was numbed from the shock of such an insightful question from a young and uninitiated little boy. He subsequently half-heartedly gave an incomplete response

'Well, I kiss your mum at length and it happens like that.'

That was a bullshit answer which sufficed and quenched Petit Suisse's thirst for knowledge or curiosity for the moment because he does not know better...but the question is most likely going to come back more fiercely in a few years time...when biology or the human anatomy is going to be employed. Shrek will then have to revise his theory and give a full explanation as to how seeds are planted and ovulation and fertilisation actually occurs no holds barred... I can hardly wait.

Petit Suisse is such a wondrously curious little boy. Bless his heart.

The bowl cut

Shrek thought it was a good idea to figuratively put a bowl on King Minimoy's head and cut around it.

It sure looks cute !

King Moy will have fond memories as the bowl cut has been captured on camera.

Shrek

Shrek has an extraordinary ability to ruin perfectly good ingredients by making plates of borderline food from fresh and scrumptious ingredients such as prawns, capsicums and other fresh veggies by slapping together in a haphazard manner.

Photo to come, although I doubt you could tell from looking at the picture that it was a weird and bizarre concoction.

Shrek should produce a series of a TV show named aptly 'What not to eat'.