Meet the Sperminator

Move over Terminator you have a conqueror Shrek The Sperminator!!!

I think Shrek thoroughly deserves this title due to his unprecedented and unrivaled virility thus resulting in prodigious reproduction thereby upping the Swiss population a notch child by child.

Loose tooth

The mouse came to shake loose one of Petit Suisse's canine tooth on his lower gum. He was visibly shaken, shocked and took to bawling his eyes out because he believed that the cause for this incredulous accident was the corn cob that he was chomping on just prior to having the 'tooth about to fall out' sensation. Shrek and I calmly explained to him that it was normally normal for his milk tooth to shake loose to make way for new permanent tooth and that the mouse would come and give him money under his pillow in exchange for said tooth. After much reassurance and insistence that there was nothing to cry about the fear subsided and the whole fiasco was fast a distant memory.

Next talk will be puberty or pre-teen angst...

Random things to do on a rainy day with kids.

Randomness


Give them a bath and lots of used plastic bottles or other plastic bits and pieces to entertain them in the water. Guaranteed effect of keeping them amused for at least an hour.

Taking out the garbage

Shrek has been dutifully taking out the garbage and replacing/lining the bin with garbage bags. Bravo!!!

Now if he could improve his cuisine skills and also start nettoyer la maison by first learning to pick up after himself Princess Fiona will be a very happy maîtresse indeed.

Come on Shrekkie, you know you can do it.

Stuff Asians like

In correlation to the 'Stuff white people like' I have a new category for my blog called unoriginally enough 'Stuff Asian people like'. It's not an original idea but the Asians are renowned for bootlegging and pirating copyright much to the chagrins of big record companies. I can say I am an Asian.

To start off Asians love status associated with a tertiary or post-graduate education or best of all a PhD. That is not to distinguish them from other races but they love showing off their status (by extension) with a vengeance. They will discuss any trophies they might have and the level of education their children have achieved through sacrifices and pure perseverance. They would give up on life's little luxuries save the necessities just so their children can have a shot at attending the best universities and do the family proud.

To empathise with an Asian one would require to appear educated. Asians place very high importance to education. One could say I have an MBA at the University of life. If they ask where is that one would be able to quip You know LIFE, try it.

Chocolate

Some would argue that chocolate is better than sex. You can consume as much as you like at your waistline's peril without raising the ire of anyone. Consuming chocolate ensures your anonymity and will have an effect similar to that of an orgasm without requiring you any efforts at all, if you know what I mean. Chocolate will still be here as long as you want it. It will not complicate your life in any way, shape or form. It does not argue or talk back or keep you hanging on empty promises.

It doesn't need to be wined or dined or even loved. Best of all it will not betray or cheat on you or let you down the way a lover, partner or friend can. Chocolate can be consumed in all of its glory and has millions upon millions of fans.

Chocolate, you always make my day.

Random lessons I have learnt

I will pass this lesson onto my kids.

Never ever buy rice creole. It is a punishment from GOD and this is one very important lesson that they will thank me for. Even if people offer it as a present do not be silly enough to acccept for you will be at a lost as to what the hell to do with it to make it taste good. Rice creole tasting good is not an option.

As for me my lesson has been learnt.

Consolation

I was in the middle of changing my little Baby A when little Miss N popped in to check in on what I was up to. She marvelled at the wonderment that is associated with removing the soiled nappy, wiping and putting on a new nappy, followed by dressing clothes. She is easily amused.

The conversation veered towards how babies are unable to feed or go to the loo by themselves thus me being the responsible parent must do all that for Baby A.

Little Miss N then reassured me that when I am old and have transformed into a baby mummy she will feed helpless little baby me and wipe my behind after I have poo-poo or wee-wee. Petit Suisse will be responsible for Shrek.

This is utmost reassuring as I know that in 40 years time if I have evaded Alzheimers and miraculously still have my mind intact without suffering from mild senility that I will be able to go back to my blog and point out to her that she indeed told me on this day that I will not have to suffer the fate of the aged senior of being put in an EMS (nursing home) to await my final day but will instead be able to count on her for caring for me the way I cared for Petit Suisse, her and Baby A, more specifically feeding and changing me just like one would a babe.

I suspect then that I will not be the one with senility but it might be another certain Miss N who will suffer from selective memory. She will no longer be little and will retort with

'Mum, I do not remember having this conversation with you whatsoever. You are imagining things and suffering from Alzheimers, senility or whatever else the oldies suffer from.'

Miss N, I have on record that you told me so and will hold you to your 'words' eventhough you were only three when you made the promise. You might come to regret telling me in that nonchalant manner that you would care for an elderly. Ignorance is not an excuse.

where do babies come from

In one of my tender moments with little Miss N(N for naughty) my adorable yet pigheaded daughter I was confronted with the sticky question "Where do babies come from?". I uhmmmmm and ahhhh and told her to ask her dad. I will now have to have a discussion with Shrek about this sticky subject, I think the Bee movie might come in handy.

To be continued...

Time away

I am in desperate need of a holiday and time to myself. I fear I will explode with rage and anger and frustration because I just cannot take any more of the dumbing down of my intellect and endlessly exasperating myself anymore.

Shrek

Shrek has an extraordinary ability to ruin perfectly good ingredients by making plates of borderline food from fresh and scrumptious ingredients such as prawns, capsicums and other fresh veggies by slapping together in a haphazard manner.

Photo to come, although I doubt you could tell from looking at the picture that it was a weird and bizarre concoction.

Shrek should produce a series of a TV show named aptly 'What not to eat'.

I have been meaning to post but I wanted to wait for a post-worthy piece, that is to say a carefully thought out and extraordinarily executed piece of poetry or essay or some reflections. I was kidding myself because to wait is to procrastinate until Blogger decides that my blog is not updated regularly enough thus obliterating my domain name, not that I have much clout to protect as yet.

I had many ideas spinning in the vortex of my cerebral that has thus been abandoned and not celebrated . I used to be proud of my ability and now I would be hard pressed to put together a coherent argument being as I am predicated by a tiresome task of frying my brains and exhausting my capacity for arguments with two stubborn bulls with a penchant for testing me.

Robotics

When I first met Shrek many yonks ago, I was under the impression that he belonged to the Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG) breed. The bait was so convincing that I was sucked in like a sinkered fish.

Fast-forward to les scènes de menages nowadays and Shrek has transformed into a veritable ogre.

I have only myself to blame. The happy ending of fairytales have nothing to do with harsh realities.

Shrek appears to respond to 'Yes', 'No' and black or white. He responds to complex problems in this same robotic manner. He is a 'Mr I can fix anything and solutions, solutions'. Unfortunately I never bargained for such monotonic behaviour and would rather shoot myself in the foot than to endure this...

My annoying habit

In order to play it fair I will reveal that I am guilty of over-stuffing the washing machine and this annoys the hell outta Shrek. He believes that my doing so will render the machine less efficient and the clothes less clean as a consequence. Also he is outraged that I have not changed this BAD HABIT of mine.

to be continued...

Shrek's fave hobby

Shrek's fave hobby is to sleep. He loves lazing about whenever he could. I wish I could m'endormir si facilement.

Keeping it real

Let's face it who can afford to be chic and gorgeous at all times when she has no nanny, no butler, housekeeper or minder... to take care of boresome little everyday chores. Who can be covered in facepaint and polish at all times because she has access to manicurists, make-up artists and trainers at her beck and call or be draped in designer clothes all day long ? Although I have my own personal style which is inimitable and I do not mean to boast but I certainly can pretty up when I have 15 minutes to spare and quickly whip up a look. I keep it real most of the time but can be found reeked with a hint of maquillage and scented whenever I feel like it just so I can remind myself that I am capable of being hot when I can be bothered.

Divertissement

The crafts project that Petit Suisse and Petite Suissesse created.
I am very proud of them like any mum. When one has been transformed from a heels wearing, chic young career woman into a slightly less chic mummy with a pusher and two toddlers whom she has to drag around like ragdolls (I am kidding about the ragdoll part) she has to look on the bright side of everything and be grateful for small mercies or else she will quickly turn into a glass figurine who will threaten to break at the slightest hint of provocation and touche.

Insomnia legère

Caffeine and I do not see eye to eye. My cogent renunciation of any future caffeine consumption after 6pm is in place because sleep is not possible for me if I so much as drink a sip of this insidious and evil substance in any shape or form.

Another reason why I am alert and can get up and go in the morning without resorting to any intake of coffee. Shrek on the other hand is not a morning person and barely bearable after several shots of coffee.

Birthday parties

I am seriously reconsidering a change in career after my euphoric and resounding success as a kids birthday party organiser. It was Petit Suisse aka Donkey's fifth birthday yesterday and the party-goers all 20 of them all had a blast at the expense of trashing a hall and wreaking havoc. They had so much energy that if channelled correctly could incidentally compete with the world's loudest noise*. (see explanation below)

I survived with my ears still ringing... long after post-party exhilaration had worn off.

Kids in kindergarten have to preferably have their attention captured in the first five minutes otherwise they lose interest and become restless. They have the attention span of about 15 minutes maximum and it is of the utmost important to lure them with lots of sweets, lollies, potato chips, more lollies and chocolates and intermittenly interjected with well thought-out games. Improvisation is the key.


Just a little side note teachers can fail you in kindrgarten for failing to concentrate or obey or not being able to write their own name at the end of Kindy. Who could've thought they would be so serious about early learning and moulding here in Switzerland??? If kids within the almost 4 to 6 1/2 age bracket are not lulling sheeps who can be shepherded or subjugated then chances are they might be up for REPEATING, let me repeat that REPEATING kindy and preschool until they get it right!!!

I propose a new nickname for the Swiss : moutons de montagne, that suits them.

I was on my feet and on the go for three manic hours not to mention all the hours that went into preparations and decorating etc... before that. I was thoroughly spent but I enjoyed the challenge. To organise parties for adults is a walk in the park by comparison.

I totally could and would organise kids parties again. Although I would prefer if someone else cleaned up the mess... hint hint tsk tsk Shrekkie to the broomstick.



* The 1883 eruption in Krakatoa (a volcanic island in the Sunda Strait between Java and Sumatra in Indonesia) generated the loudest sound historically reported: the cataclysmic explosion was distinctly heard as far away as Perth in Australia (approximately or 3100 km), and the island of Rodrigues near Mauritius (approx. 4800 km).
On no other occasion have sounds been perceived at such great distances (over 1/13th of the earth's surface).

Kitchen

Shrek's philosophy in the kitchen involves throwing everything in the pot: proteins aka meat, fish etc, veggies, herbs and spices in one go, heat to boiling point then simmer and hope for the best. No need for taste-testing or superfluous and tedious attention to details. His philosophy is a winning adage to overcooked food and bland disasters.

A night in Paris

My hubby just said He'd like to have 'A night in Paris' (not the city). I seriously think that he's wantin to stir me up...
hmmmmmmmm

I deliberately named this blog 'celebrity blog NOT' because I did not want to fall into the trappings of dissing or discussing or mentioning any celebrities to feel superior about myself but thanks to my hubby I have committed the unthinkable and mentioned 'Paris' although I prefer to refer to Paris the city exclusively amen.

Why have children ?

It is Shrek's belief that children are our future EMS or nursing home visitors: if we do not have children we cannot expect visitors to our senile senior citizens abodes. That is the utmost reason for having kids.

Update

It has been uneventful of late and instead of boring you with details of mundane daily gripes I have decided to not update for a while. Couple that with a baby who does not enjoy being put in his crib for more than 15 minutes by himself. I only wish I was exaggerating. I kid you not...

Reluctant mother eschewing Feminism

I do not mean to be a first class whine but am afraid that I more often than not can be found venting my frustrations and simultaneously complaining about my predicaments.

I feel like raising three kids and being a conventional housewife (not to be confused with a convectional oven but oh the similes are endless) has led to me reverting the feminist movement by thousands of years. I am reinstating Patriarchal hierarchies.

The roles and sole responsibilities of a woman as primary carer to children and housemaid are executed brilliantly by me. It is remarkable that I am condemned to the confines of domesticity forever.

Before motherhood I never needed the aid of lists or memory jogs but since becoming a mum I have resorted relentlessly to lists thereby honing my secretarial skills. Now I can proudly claim that I am an efficient and organised lister. I should be eligible for auditors positions at the Hotel des finances equivalent of which is the ATO in Australia.

The most virtuous trait I learned from reluctantly taking on the role of mummy is patience. Oodles of it. One cannot lose ones balls for the sake of ones sanity when dealing with adept and highly sneaky little negotiators. In short I learned important lessons in conflict resolutions skills that should enhance my job profile should I decide to apply for positions in human resources.

I am a multi-tasker and task-juggler and am able to cook, clean one-armed or one-handed even and that is no easy feat.

Alas all the skills above mentioned will not get me far at any job interview.



Screw the feminist movement. I think the utmost importance lies in 'liberated' and 'choices'. What good is the feminist movement if all a woman can feel is guilt, culpability and left with no choice but to work and penetrate mens domains ? All the power to women who break the glass ceilings but I feel at the end of the day women who choose with liberty to do whatever they want to with their lives and not necessarily do what society expects of them are the real deal feminists. It frustrates me that people assume that because I am a stay at home mum for the moment I have limited capacity and all the stereotypical bullshit that go with that. I do not mean to boast but I hate having to justify myself and my choices. I am a law graduate and not a simple minded girl who got married, have kids and will forever be implicated as nothing more than a domesticated maid, no disrespect to those who are but I am not that. I am WOMAN, hear me ROAR!!!

Enough ranting and raving for now... I am starting to sound like a dry, old and bitter shrew.

I am a reluctant mum and my childrens' antics frustrate me to no end...but despite all the opportunites lost, setbacks, what if ponderments and what not I go to bed more satisfied than if I was childless. I have my children to be thankful for.

Explosion

To ensure a wretched explosion put a bottle of bubbly in the freezer and forget about it and voilà, instant explosion in your home that causes neither harm to your house or household except you'll find glass fragments all over your bloody freezer. Just ask Shrek for more detailed instructions as he has become the newset and most sensational expert. Swell

Hot news

There has been a lack of posts with 'hot content' lately.

Here is a little tidbit.

The 'macaques' pay for services with sexual favours that include: lice combing...
Sexual services can be reciprocated with non-sexual payments even in the natural animal kingdom which doesn't surprise me in the least bit.

In other hot news a Malaysian minister has been forced to early retirement. Videos of him and his 'young' mistress caught in the act of corpulating or mating or fornicating circulated the internet and fotos appeared on front pages of the paper press. Why is it that the politicos are held to be exemplaires of humans who cannot cheat or have a bit of fun on the side? circa Clinton and his exploits...